One avid suitor has the qualities I like. He is also comfortable with my children. But I am avoiding him because I am afraid he might change his mind in case he will meet someone his age.

What are some of the things I need to consider before making a decision to accept him or not, aside from the age gap?

A:Your age gap may not be over 10 years considering you’re in your early thirties, unless he’s 22 and you’re 34. More important than the chronological age, however, is the emotional age.

Marrying, in your case, is not all about love, security, and companionship. There are other things you need to consider, like the opinions and feelings of your children.

If you’re both professionals, you will be speaking in the same language – overtime work, deadline, etc. If, however, you’re a professional and hold a position, and he’s a college dropout with no work, it will limit your interaction. Your friends will also be of different worlds.

More importantly, will be a responsible and faithful husband, a financial helpmate, and a spiritual partner? Will he be sensitive to your children’s needs?

You still feel insecure about his love for you. Take more time to know him. Give each other some space first. Don’t rush. He has not proven his worth yet.

I want you to ask yourself why he chose you over girls who are single, professionals, and not single mothers. In other words, get deep into his motive for courting you.

Don’t decide on this matter without consulting your family and trusted friends. They are the ones who can give honest opinions about your suitor.

More matters you need to consider – family background, emotional maturity, and marriage preparedness, among other things.

In situations like this, I introduce you to Jesus. He has the solution to your problem. He is just waiting for you to ask His help.

A:Sexually transmitted disease (STD) in our country especially in the city, is often caused by mixed infections.

Aside from gonorrhea infection, there are other bacteria or organisms involved commonly termed as non-gonococcal urethritis. Because of your complaint of extreme itchiness, there may also be an accompanying yeast or trichomonas infection. The best way to find out is by having laboratory tests to find out what specific organisms are involved. The tests are smears for wet mount, gram stain, as well as culture and sensitivity. You must also examined by a gynecologist to check your genital organs for other signs and symptoms that will correlate with the laboratory test results. From these, a more specific drug can be given to completely eradicate your infection.

A:Are you emotionally ready to relieve the trauma in court? Are there witnesses to prove your boyfriend forced you into having sex with him? Are you financially ready for a court battle? Do you have supportive family and friends?

Consider these questions before making a decision. Court hearings are never easy – especially the detailed, intimate cross-examination. That’s why many rape cases go unreported.

However, some cases similar to yours prosper in court. The court could rule that “a rape victim would not publicly disclose that she had been raped and undergo the trouble and humiliation of a trial if her motive was not to bring to justice the persons who abused her “(226 Supreme Court Report Annotated, 156). Hence the popular line, “Kapag may katwiran, ipaglaban mo.” You have legal rights. Bu filing or not filing a court case against your boyfriend is yours to decide. “If you decide to report your rape, preserving evidence is crucial …..If you decide against reporting it, find a trusted person you can talk to…. Also, seek medical attention for the possibility of pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease” (Insight magazine, 1995).

Rape is a traumatic experience. Recovery takes time. Fear, anger, depression, guilt are some emotions you have to deal with. But Jesus says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The Lord asks you to unburden your emotional load to Him. He will help you restore your peace of mind.

What a joyful privilege I had to be able to celebrate the United Nations Year of the Family at Andrews University in Michigan with Family Life International participants from many places of the world! I really thank God for opening that wonderful door for me at a time when family values and family wellness are on focus worldwide. Indeed the conference theme, I believe, best described the expectations of all present – “Restoring Families: Turning Hearts in a Troubled World.”

It would be impossible for me to put down here all the highlights. What I want to echo to you now are ways to reach out to other families beginning with your own and mine.

In Your Personal Reflection

1. Reflect on God’s love. What human instruments have deeply influenced you in your understanding of His love?
2. Write down how God has used your family in making you a better person, a better Christian.

In Your Marriage

1. Take time to communicate about the meaning of your faith with your spouse. How does your faith affect the way you handle anger or resolve conflict?
2. Share your thoughts and inner feelings together with your spouse. Give evidence of God’s grace at work in your life by your empathy. Take time to listen.
3. Endeavor to encourage and uplift your spouse with affirmation and appropriate compliments.
4. Pray together regularly.

In Parenting

1. Make a list of changes you would like to make to be a better parent.
2. Endeavor to make it easy for your children to do right by your positive relationships with them, by smiling often, by entering into their feelings.
3. Ask forgiveness of your child for something you have done which brought pain to him or her.
4. Show unconditional love and acceptance of your child.
5. Pray with each of your children, rehearsing God’s love and your love for your child in your prayer.

For Friends and Neighbors

1. Encourage your children to de little errands of love and mercy for those less fortunate than themselves.
2. Pay a friendship visit to a shut-in.
3. Provide a no-interest loan to a financially struggling family.
4. Have a “help and bless” brain storming session with your family. What act of Christian helpfulness might your family perform right now for someone in your extended family, your neighborhood, your community?

You can add to each of these lists. You and I can be tools in helping restore families by turning hearts in a troubled world. And we can start doing that now.

Young people frequently complain, “I can’t talk to my parents” or “My parents just don’t understand me.” Often this really isn’t true, but it may be the impression you get because your parents don’t know how to handle talking with you about some of the things you want and need to know. They may be confused about how to treat you. Half the time they are telling you to grow up, and the other half they may be treating you like a baby.

Let’s look at it from their point of view. Your mother and father are from another generation. What your grandmother talked to your mother about when she was a little girl is probably a far cry from what your mother will tell you. Your mother thinks of the many times others made fun of her as she was growing up. She remembers how hard it was. She may try to protect you from some of these same hurts. Your father may be looking back to his childhood and talking about how he acted when he was your age. He remembers how boys acted toward girls, thought about girls, and talked about girls. He may be worried about how you will react to this.

Both of your parents may be quite uncomfortable with their memories from the past. This makes it difficult for them to talk with you about your growing up. That’s probably why they give you orders to “do this” or “do that” without explaining why.

All this may make you angry. But getting mad won’t solve anything. They don’t listen when you ask why. Remember, there may be certain things they don’t want to talk about, just as there are certain things you don’t want to talk about with them. One thing’s for sure. When your parents were young, they had the same questions in their minds that you have in yours right now.

Some of you think your parents are great. That’s good. Some of you think your parents are awful. That’s too bad. Maybe your parents have separated or yell all the time or hit each other or swear or get drunk. Whatever’s going on in your family is not the end of the world! Even if your family is rotten, you can still learn what you do not want when you grew up and get married and have kids. You don’t have to be rotten just because you come from a rotten family. Lots of kids come from rotten families and grow up to be pretty special people.

Most parents, with a little help, can talk or relate to their kids in a better way. And there might be some things you’re doing wrong in approaching your parents. If you approach them with a you-never-understand-me-anyway or what-I-have-to-ask-you-will-blow-your-mind-away attitude, it will only hinder your getting the answers you need to talk with most! Your parents don’t like to be talked to like that any more than you do. And perhaps you don’t like it very much!

Here’s a good way to approach your parents: Ask questions about something you’ve just seen on television or read about in a book. Ask it right out. Be honest. If your parents choke and hem and haw with an answer, try not to notice. Be kind to them, and give them time. If you do this repeatedly over a period of time, they’ll get used to your questions and be more able to handle them. You might even bring your folks books about life and sex and other related topics to read. These books might provide a kind of bridge between you and your parents so you can begin talking about things. Point to a particular sentence or picture and ask your parents about it. Then perhaps you can help your parents be able to discuss about these things! If you simply can’t ask your parents, or if you don’t have any parents to ask, then choose a sensible adult such as your pastor, a doctor, a teacher, or a counselor to confide in.

Because your parents are older, they also realize how complicated life can get, particularly if you’re not asking “straight” questions or if you’re displaying a defiant attitude, like “Did you always do what you’re telling me to do?” Even your parents who are well-informed and very loving with their children often have a difficult time trying to decide what and how much to tell their children about sex and what and how much they should know right now.

When you grow up and become a parent yourself, you’ll suddenly understand some of the things being talked about here – the heartache and trouble your parents want to spare you; why they want you to follow their religious beliefs; how worried they are that you might get into some kind of trouble. Some of the things that look so simple to you now may look a lot more complicated in another 10 years.

Not every book is a good book, of course. Many children’s books are shoddily written and poorly illustrated, and far too many use of words or deal with themes that are inappropriate.

So what can you do? Here are some suggestions:

1. Talk to the Experts.

Children’s librarians can provide suggestions for books for children of all ages.

2. Know what your child is reading.

Reading out loud to your children is a good way to do this, of course. But even with older children (and even with textbooks), it’s a good idea to keep an eye on what they’re reading. Sometimes, this is all it takes to head off problems with objectional language, values, or subject material.

3. Make your concerns known.

If you don’t like something, let the people responsible know. Write to the author of the book, the company that published it, and the bookstore, school, or library that stocked it. Ask what standards they use to evaluate a book; explain the ones you use. Try to be as positive as you can, and whatever you do don’t threaten them, but do explain as clearly as you can what it is that you found objectionable.

And while you’re fighting the bad, don’t forget to encourage the good. Any time you find an exceptionally good book, make sure the word gets out. Recommend it to your librarian and to your friends. Send a letter of thanks to the people responsible. And by all means, buy a copy for your child; in our society, the best way to make sure there are good children’s books is to see to it that the ones that are published turn a profit.

Negativism, Stubbornness and Disobedience.

It is common practice among Filipino parents to call their child “hardheaded” or “stubborn” because he has been disobedient. It has thus become difficult to tell from the parents’ statements whether the child’s behavior or problematic or not.

For example, at around the age of two or three, your child will develop a tendency to say “no,” along with other negative phrases like “I won’t,” “I don’t” and “I can’t.” This is most likely to happen at mealtime, bedtime or bathtime, or whenever you issue a command. Some children say “no” so relentlessly that they say it even when they mean “yes.”

This does not mean that your child has become negative or defiant. He is merely asserting his growing independence. By disagreeing with whatever you propose, he forces you to treat him as a person.

Concerned parents and teachers should instead look out for the following behavior:

He sulks or make a fuss (even throws a tantrum) when given an order;

He drags his feet or is slow to respond to your call;

He insists of having his way and will not listen to reason;

He quarrels with his siblings over household chores.

The child cries loudly and incessantly. He shrieks, stamps his feet or throws himself to the floor kicking, in a willful outburst of anger. The child is throwing a tantrum.

Tantrums are an expected part of the child’s growing up. It is common between the ages two and three. Among very young children who cannot express themselves well and who, as yet, have not learned self-control, tantrums are emotional outlets. They are often the result of frustration.

It is estimated that annually 7,000 teenagers kill themselves, one million think about it, and 400,000 attempts are made.

The magnitude of this problem demands that people know and understand the warning signs of suicide. What once was confined to discussion in hushed tones has become the focus of network news programs and other television broadcasts.

It is important that parents and friends make an effort to talk candidly about the issues surrounding suicide. If you have notice suicidal tendencies you should not hesitate to discuss this with the adolescent in question.

Some may hesitate to become involved in such serious discussion because they fear it will lead a teenager to suicide, but this is not so. Troubled teens need to know that someone is willing to listen to their feelings, and to discuss candidly uncertainties about their world and their role in it.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has compiled a list of common tendencies that may signal that an adolescent is considering suicide. While not all will fit into any specific pattern, these behaviors and attitudes can serve as a guideline to alert the friends and parents of a teenager “crying out for help.”

• A noticeable change in eating and sleeping habits.
• Persistent boredom.
• Withdrawal from friends and family; group activities.
• Decline in the quality of school work.
• Violent or rebellious behavior.
• Running away.
• Unusual neglect of personal appearance; a sort of “ I don’t care attitude” about what others think about him or her.
• Drug or alcohol abuse.
• Difficulty in concentrating on tasks or personal responsibilities.
• Dispensing of personal or favorite possessions, as if making “final arrangements.”
• Verbal hints, such as “It’s no use,” “Nothing matters,” or “I won’t be a problem to you much longer.”

If there is any reason to believe that a teenager you know is contemplating suicide, you should help the teenager directly if he or she has confidence in your friendship, or help him or her in seeking professional help from a child psychiatrist, a hotline for troubled teens or a referral from a local hospital.

As you stand and gaze everything around you, you could see a real beauty, from the smallest things to the large one. Look at the shape of those leaves of hanging plants as they partially sway as the air blows, the color of the walls and fence although they begin to fade, the design of the pots as they were gathered in a row, I see nowhere which is ugly but only pure beauty. But could you believe that the time will come, beauty will fade.

Yes, there is no such thing which is permanent, only the change itself.

In reality, we are living our lives, but we are also watching it in the end. We perceive life, happiness, sorrow and everything between as they come and go. And yes, everything really just comes and goes. We are all only spectators.

Aside from change itself, is there anything that is permanent? Friends, youth, ambition, pleasure, wealth and beauty will come and go.

I wonder why there are so many people who are not contented with their life and most of all they are not satisfied with their looks. They continue to change it and they are transforming their own self the way they want to be. It seems that they are very aware and conscious about their physical appearance. They never notice what would happen to them when they grow old. Why, of course everyone comes from dust and surely we all return to dust.

How about you? What of you will remain when your face and body age crumble and eventually die?

As you read this, try to watch yourself reading it and thinking about it, as you evaluate your own life. This serves as an eye opener to everyone. Think now, there a lot of more important things to develop first. Be a model so that everyone will value every little thing in life.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says,” Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”

It’s always hard trying to get the parents to agree with the children.

And many times the advice given by parents are not appreciated by them.

Somebody says: “Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!”

Here is another story. And this one is about a father and his son.

No matter what Gary did, it was never enough to please his father. When he got seven A’s and three B’s, his dad asked about the B’s. When Gary told him about a wonderful girl he’d fallen in love with, he got a lecture cautioning that she may turn out to be different than he thought. Gary’s dad was stunned and hurt when Gary took a job in another town. He tried to talk him out of it, explaining the advantages of being close to family and the pitfalls of moving.

Finally, Gary exploded. “Dad, I’m moving to get away from you! I love you, but I can’t stand the way you tear down everything I do.” He braced himself for a counterattack, but for the first time in his life he saw his father’s mask of confidence dissolve into vulnerability. “All I ever wanted to do was to make you better and help you reach your potential and avoid risks,” his dad stammered with tears in his eyes. “It’s what I do. It’s why my business has been so successful. Do you want me to ignore my experience and just be a cheerleader?”

“Dad,” Gary replied, “our relationship isn’t about productivity. You’re my dad. Sometimes I need praise more than I need a push and approval more than I need advice. Constantly trying to make me better just makes me feel worse. It’s not enough that you love me. I need you to appreciate me.”

It’s an important lesson. In personal relationships, there may be benefits to the relentless pursuit of better, but the cost may be too high. This is the story Michael Josephson wrote in his web site “Character counts.” And it makes us think carefully.

The techniques we used in the work place may be effective for doing business. You bring them into the way you do parenting and you will discover that it does not work. In fact you will drive the ones you love away from you. Loving your children is not about making them productive….it’s all about…loving them.

Well tell me what you want to do. When your children meet up to your standards are you planning to promote them or raise their salaries/allowances? What a joke! Will this make them love you more or are you simply telling them you are valuable to me only when you are successful?

Some parents even have their children compete against each other instead of teaching them to love and care for each other. Still wonder why siblings want to kill each other as they viciously fight for the father’s inheritance even when the father is still alive? The principles in doing business and the principles in doing parenting do not mix. One is about profitability the other one is about love.

You and I may be effective leaders in our work places but are we leading our families correctly? How would you rate as a father if I were to evaluate you would you be: Excellent, Good, Fair, Poor or Very Poor? From a scale of 1 to 10 and one being the lowest and 10 being the highest how would your children rate you?

Our children do not need more advice. They need more approval. I am so guilty in this area I need to correct myself all the time. Don’t just raise up their level of work competence, raise up their level of love and build up their confidence. It’s the best gift we can give our children. And don’t forget that God has given them to us to manage and not to own.